Today marks
7 years since my world changed forever. 7 years since I took the phone call
that would change my life forever. October 20, 2010 was the day I was told that
I have Non Small Cell Adenocarcinoma Stage 3A Lung Cancer. I was only 46 at the
time, pretty young to have this and to be at this stage of this type of Cancer.
When you think about 7 years ago in your life,
it can feel so long ago to most people, but to me it’s as clear as if it were
today. My life now has become a blur in
a lot of ways; days and weeks melt into each other….it’s a different kind of
life now, one with fears of what the future holds constant pain and bad
neuropathy in my hands, which sucks for an artist, anxiety, sleeplessness and
worry. My body is not the same as it used to be. I used to kick ass in the gym
every day on my lunch break, I used to hit the speed bag until I would knock it
off its hook, I had energy, focus, was a hell of a multi-tasker at work, I miss
that old me.
I never hold
back when I write in my blog, I don’t feel the need to sugar coat how I feel or
what I go through. Honesty is the best way to explain things to people or share
things with people. So here I go, sharing from my heart and soul….to know me is
to love me.. ( or not, that’s your choice LOL)
There are a
lot of people out there who see the day they were diagnosed as being some cute
saying, “Cancerversary”- ok, I don’t get it, because words that end in
“versary” are supposed to be like Anniversary- a happy thing.(by the way we
just celebrated our 30th Anniversary) I can’t say that the day I was diagnosed
was a happy one.
I have been
to functions where I have heard a speaker or another patient say “My diagnosis was the BEST thing that ever
happened to me”…..ummm, NO, I think for me that was 3 different things, The
day I got married, the day my daughter was born, and the day my son was
born. How can your diagnosis be a good thing???
I will never understand that…
“She wears her scars like a Warrior,
for they are a reminder that she is Alive” ok, well maybe her scars don’t cause constant pain or
interfere with what type of clothes she can wear. Mine do, and to be honest I
have thrown my bras to the wind like some 70’s feminist (thankfully I’m still
perky enough to carry that off), I can’t have the pressure on my scars, I have
a long scar under my right breast that wraps under my arm to my back, a deep
long one on my back and assorted drainage tube scars, those freaking things
hurt, not to mention a weirdly healed scar on my chest where my Power Port was
and one across my base of my throat. The scars and areas that were operated on
caused damage to the nerves and there is constant pain from the nerve endings. But I will say that I am a warrior and always
have been throughout my life before and after my diagnosis.
So anyway,
today is 7 years since I was diagnosed with Cancer. I am lucky to still be here
typing this out for you to read, I am lucky that I have a husband and 2 great
kids and a pack of pups. I am “lucky” because I think luck has a lot to do with
it. This past summer has made me really look at things in a different way,
losing 2 really good friends has been hard, very hard…going back to support
meetings without my friend Lee, breaks my heart every time, my handbag sits in
his chair, as I will not give that seat up yet.
I am
extremely thankful that I am still here on this earth. I am trying to get back
to my true self, the one I feel I lost a long time before my diagnosis. The
self I was supposed to be. I am creating again in my studio, I am fusing glass
and making pendants, I am re-teaching myself how to solder and creating
abstract small stained glass pieces, I am painting. I do this in spurts, as my
hands don’t work right anymore and the neuropathy makes them numb, but I am
doing it anyway and stop when I have to. I am making photos, creating memories,
listening to mellow music, but still head banging when I need to and boy does
it get loud! Ha! I am dyeing sections of my hair lavender, because I have
always wanted to and because I really don’t care anymore what anyone thinks. My
days are spent in solitude for the most part, except for my awesome pack of
pups, yes it can get very lonely not seeing people every day, but there’s
always social media.
I think
sometimes we all get so wrapped up in worrying about how others perceive us
that we don’t live true to ourselves. Don’t waste your time doing that, live
YOUR life the way that makes you feel right, the way that makes you feel happy
and productive, the way that makes YOU happy!
So someone
asked me how I will “celebrate” my diagnosis date, I won’t, it’s not a day to
celebrate, instead I will go and create something new, I will grab my camera
and drive to someplace and look at the world with a different set of eyes, a 7
year old set of eyes and I will record my vision of the world.
Whew, that
felt good to type all this out of my head, thanks for listening!
Here’s
hoping your day is a great one!
With love
and hugs
Rebecca
Rebecca, another post that touches me. You write with a raw richness that gets to the heart of the matter. I pray you are hearing good news from your scans.
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