Chemopause 6: A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

Chemopause 6: A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 6 years in Chemopause! I have decided to call it:

A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

(It has been a few difficult months with the loss of 2 friends)

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

6 years
72 months
313 weeks
2,192 days
52,622 hours
3,157,358 minutes
189,441,501 seconds

I know I usually make this yearly posting one full of positive things to express how I am feeling about hitting this milestone. This year, I am extremely grateful and will dance to celebrate (at my nephews wedding tomorrow), yet at the same time I am sad as I recently lost two good friends within 6 weeks of each other.

I would like to tell you a little bit about each one, as they were also Cancer Patients and we attended Support Group, Drumming, Cancer Seminars, Mindfulness Meditation and other events together over the past years. They were each amazing people.

I first met Lee at a Drumming Circle for Cancer Patients event over 4 years ago. (If you have never attended a Drumming Circle, go check one out! It’s really an amazing experience.)  Lee and I started talking that night; well, at first it was because he stole my favorite drum that I always like to use lol, but that was ok, because it lead to a friendship that was absolutely great! Lee was one of those people that I could really talk to, he understood me, and I understood him. We started going to Mindfulness Meditation together and for a full year, we were the only ones there. We got to know a lot more about each other, our lives-before and after our Cancer diagnosis, our children etc. We talked about how Cancer had changed us, changed people we thought we knew, changed our outlook on what was important in life and what we should just let go of. He was always very insightful and articulate! We talked about art, as we are both painters, music which we both shared a passion for, among other things.   I looked forward to seeing Lee at the different things we went to.

Eventually our friend Al started going to the events with us and the three of us were inseparable. I dubbed us “The Three Musketeers”. Everyone knew us as that! J We would save seats for each other, sit together, attend events and then huddle in the heat or cold outside afterwards and just catch up on whatever any of us needed to talk about. We called, talked, texted, Facebooked. I have some great photos of The Three Musketeers at different places.  We became a family.

Over the past 4 years, I have watched Lee fight like hell against his Cancer, good days mixed with bad, but most of the time with a very upbeat attitude and if the day was really bad then he would talk and we would listen. We all supported each other in a way others outside can’t understand.

I was really happy when Lee was able to come to Cancer Survivors Night on June 5th; I felt it may be the last time that the Three Musketeers got to sit together. We sat and talked and soaked in the time together.  I sit here crying as I try to type this….I have so much more to say, but it’s hard. The world lost Lee on June 16^th. He was truly a gift to this world and to me as a friend. May his memory be a blessing for his family. I miss you so much Lee!

I met Jan about a year and a half ago at Mindfulness Meditation. Talk about a sweet person! Jan was one of those people that you met and instantly liked. Her smile was the kind that lit up a room. Jan was very active in many different causes, especially Citizen’s Climate Lobby. She taught me about this group and what they were doing to help. She was brilliant and was in the first class to include women at Rutgers University. Jan was passionate about everything that she did. She also helped preserve over 80% of the natural landscape that is now The Haverford Reserve. (so the next time you are walking through there or hiking or at the dog park, this is the lady to whom you owe thanks) .

She always complimented my sparkly, glittery purple nail polish, but was hesitant to try it herself……so…I went and bought her a beautiful turquoise blue nail polish and glitter polish to top it off. (she wore a lot of blue). She came to our next event wearing the blue polish with sparkles and the biggest smile!!  Jan had a way of listening to you and really hearing what was behind what you were saying. Her smile was genuine, her caring for others was genuine, she was an angel. Jan passed away on July 29^th. I miss you very much Jan.

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I am still in Chemopause, but at the same time dealing with some issues that need to be looked into. I have been holding onto my Pet Scan script for 2 months now, as I really don’t want to do it, yet I know I need to do it.

 It’s the whole unknown thing and a big dose of Scanxiety. (unless you have dealt with this, you won’t really understand, so please don’t voice your opinion on what I need to ).  I don’t discuss when I am going for any type of scan, as I can’t handle anyone else’s anxiety about my scan, believe me, my own is quite enough. I will however let you all know when I finally go and what the results are, so keep positive vibes headed my way.

Good stuff:   

My son is heading back next weekend for his Senior Year at Edinboro University!! He has met someone and is very happy!! They will celebrate their one year anniversary in September!

My daughter is doing great and having fun raising an 8 month old puppy named Donut along with her older dog Bagel. They are the Breakfast Club! I can’t believe she will be married for 2 years at the end of this month.

I am so proud and blessed to be the mother of these two children!

I know this is turning into a novel length posting…so I will wrap it up before it becomes a feature length film with intermissions. LOL

This the song that I think best represents this past year for me

Turn, Turn, Turn – The Byrds

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

Once again, stay cool in this ungodly heat, hug a friend, hug a puppy, look at the stars, eat the damn cake and chocolate, you deserve it (you only live once) and make the choices in life that are the best for you. Always be thankful for what you have.

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, and in memory of my friends Lee and Jan. I send you my love and hugs. Be good to each other! Be kind to each other! Support each other! Take care of each other!

With love and hugs

Rebecca