Cancerversary and other adorable ways to say the Day Your Life Changed Forever or WTF?

Today marks 7 years since my world changed forever. 7 years since I took the phone call that would change my life forever. October 20, 2010 was the day I was told that I have Non Small Cell Adenocarcinoma Stage 3A Lung Cancer. I was only 46 at the time, pretty young to have this and to be at this stage of this type of Cancer.

 When you think about 7 years ago in your life, it can feel so long ago to most people, but to me it’s as clear as if it were today. My life now  has become a blur in a lot of ways; days and weeks melt into each other….it’s a different kind of life now, one with fears of what the future holds constant pain and bad neuropathy in my hands, which sucks for an artist, anxiety, sleeplessness and worry. My body is not the same as it used to be. I used to kick ass in the gym every day on my lunch break, I used to hit the speed bag until I would knock it off its hook, I had energy, focus, was a hell of a multi-tasker at work, I miss that old me.

I never hold back when I write in my blog, I don’t feel the need to sugar coat how I feel or what I go through. Honesty is the best way to explain things to people or share things with people. So here I go, sharing from my heart and soul….to know me is to love me.. ( or not, that’s your choice LOL)

There are a lot of people out there who see the day they were diagnosed as being some cute saying, “Cancerversary”- ok, I don’t get it, because words that end in “versary” are supposed to be like Anniversary- a happy thing.(by the way we just celebrated our 30^th Anniversary)  I can’t say that the day I was diagnosed was  a happy one.

I have been to functions where I have heard a speaker or another patient say “My diagnosis was the BEST thing that ever happened to me”…..ummm, NO, I think for me that was 3 different things, The day I got married, the day my daughter was born, and the day my son was born.  How can your diagnosis be a good thing??? I will never understand that…

“She wears her scars like a Warrior, for they are a reminder that she is Alive” ok, well maybe her scars don’t cause constant pain or interfere with what type of clothes she can wear. Mine do, and to be honest I have thrown my bras to the wind like some 70’s feminist (thankfully I’m still perky enough to carry that off), I can’t have the pressure on my scars, I have a long scar under my right breast that wraps under my arm to my back, a deep long one on my back and assorted drainage tube scars, those freaking things hurt, not to mention a weirdly healed scar on my chest where my Power Port was and one across my base of my throat. The scars and areas that were operated on caused damage to the nerves and there is constant pain from the nerve endings.  But I will say that I am a warrior and always have been throughout my life before and after my diagnosis.

So anyway, today is 7 years since I was diagnosed with Cancer. I am lucky to still be here typing this out for you to read, I am lucky that I have a husband and 2 great kids and a pack of pups. I am “lucky” because I think luck has a lot to do with it. This past summer has made me really look at things in a different way, losing 2 really good friends has been hard, very hard…going back to support meetings without my friend Lee, breaks my heart every time, my handbag sits in his chair, as I will not give that seat up yet.

I am extremely thankful that I am still here on this earth. I am trying to get back to my true self, the one I feel I lost a long time before my diagnosis. The self I was supposed to be. I am creating again in my studio, I am fusing glass and making pendants, I am re-teaching myself how to solder and creating abstract small stained glass pieces, I am painting. I do this in spurts, as my hands don’t work right anymore and the neuropathy makes them numb, but I am doing it anyway and stop when I have to. I am making photos, creating memories, listening to mellow music, but still head banging when I need to and boy does it get loud! Ha! I am dyeing sections of my hair lavender, because I have always wanted to and because I really don’t care anymore what anyone thinks. My days are spent in solitude for the most part, except for my awesome pack of pups, yes it can get very lonely not seeing people every day, but there’s always social media.

I think sometimes we all get so wrapped up in worrying about how others perceive us that we don’t live true to ourselves. Don’t waste your time doing that, live YOUR life the way that makes you feel right, the way that makes you feel happy and productive, the way that makes YOU happy!

So someone asked me how I will “celebrate” my diagnosis date, I won’t, it’s not a day to celebrate, instead I will go and create something new, I will grab my camera and drive to someplace and look at the world with a different set of eyes, a 7 year old set of eyes and I will record my vision of the world.

Whew, that felt good to type all this out of my head, thanks for listening!

Here’s hoping your day is a great one!

With love and hugs

Rebecca

Chemopause 6: A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

Chemopause 6: A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 6 years in Chemopause! I have decided to call it:

A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

(It has been a few difficult months with the loss of 2 friends)

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

6 years
72 months
313 weeks
2,192 days
52,622 hours
3,157,358 minutes
189,441,501 seconds

I know I usually make this yearly posting one full of positive things to express how I am feeling about hitting this milestone. This year, I am extremely grateful and will dance to celebrate (at my nephews wedding tomorrow), yet at the same time I am sad as I recently lost two good friends within 6 weeks of each other.

I would like to tell you a little bit about each one, as they were also Cancer Patients and we attended Support Group, Drumming, Cancer Seminars, Mindfulness Meditation and other events together over the past years. They were each amazing people.

I first met Lee at a Drumming Circle for Cancer Patients event over 4 years ago. (If you have never attended a Drumming Circle, go check one out! It’s really an amazing experience.)  Lee and I started talking that night; well, at first it was because he stole my favorite drum that I always like to use lol, but that was ok, because it lead to a friendship that was absolutely great! Lee was one of those people that I could really talk to, he understood me, and I understood him. We started going to Mindfulness Meditation together and for a full year, we were the only ones there. We got to know a lot more about each other, our lives-before and after our Cancer diagnosis, our children etc. We talked about how Cancer had changed us, changed people we thought we knew, changed our outlook on what was important in life and what we should just let go of. He was always very insightful and articulate! We talked about art, as we are both painters, music which we both shared a passion for, among other things.   I looked forward to seeing Lee at the different things we went to.

Eventually our friend Al started going to the events with us and the three of us were inseparable. I dubbed us “The Three Musketeers”. Everyone knew us as that! J We would save seats for each other, sit together, attend events and then huddle in the heat or cold outside afterwards and just catch up on whatever any of us needed to talk about. We called, talked, texted, Facebooked. I have some great photos of The Three Musketeers at different places.  We became a family.

Over the past 4 years, I have watched Lee fight like hell against his Cancer, good days mixed with bad, but most of the time with a very upbeat attitude and if the day was really bad then he would talk and we would listen. We all supported each other in a way others outside can’t understand.

I was really happy when Lee was able to come to Cancer Survivors Night on June 5th; I felt it may be the last time that the Three Musketeers got to sit together. We sat and talked and soaked in the time together.  I sit here crying as I try to type this….I have so much more to say, but it’s hard. The world lost Lee on June 16^th. He was truly a gift to this world and to me as a friend. May his memory be a blessing for his family. I miss you so much Lee!

I met Jan about a year and a half ago at Mindfulness Meditation. Talk about a sweet person! Jan was one of those people that you met and instantly liked. Her smile was the kind that lit up a room. Jan was very active in many different causes, especially Citizen’s Climate Lobby. She taught me about this group and what they were doing to help. She was brilliant and was in the first class to include women at Rutgers University. Jan was passionate about everything that she did. She also helped preserve over 80% of the natural landscape that is now The Haverford Reserve. (so the next time you are walking through there or hiking or at the dog park, this is the lady to whom you owe thanks) .

She always complimented my sparkly, glittery purple nail polish, but was hesitant to try it herself……so…I went and bought her a beautiful turquoise blue nail polish and glitter polish to top it off. (she wore a lot of blue). She came to our next event wearing the blue polish with sparkles and the biggest smile!!  Jan had a way of listening to you and really hearing what was behind what you were saying. Her smile was genuine, her caring for others was genuine, she was an angel. Jan passed away on July 29^th. I miss you very much Jan.

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I am still in Chemopause, but at the same time dealing with some issues that need to be looked into. I have been holding onto my Pet Scan script for 2 months now, as I really don’t want to do it, yet I know I need to do it.

 It’s the whole unknown thing and a big dose of Scanxiety. (unless you have dealt with this, you won’t really understand, so please don’t voice your opinion on what I need to ).  I don’t discuss when I am going for any type of scan, as I can’t handle anyone else’s anxiety about my scan, believe me, my own is quite enough. I will however let you all know when I finally go and what the results are, so keep positive vibes headed my way.

Good stuff:   

My son is heading back next weekend for his Senior Year at Edinboro University!! He has met someone and is very happy!! They will celebrate their one year anniversary in September!

My daughter is doing great and having fun raising an 8 month old puppy named Donut along with her older dog Bagel. They are the Breakfast Club! I can’t believe she will be married for 2 years at the end of this month.

I am so proud and blessed to be the mother of these two children!

I know this is turning into a novel length posting…so I will wrap it up before it becomes a feature length film with intermissions. LOL

This the song that I think best represents this past year for me

Turn, Turn, Turn – The Byrds

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

Once again, stay cool in this ungodly heat, hug a friend, hug a puppy, look at the stars, eat the damn cake and chocolate, you deserve it (you only live once) and make the choices in life that are the best for you. Always be thankful for what you have.

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, and in memory of my friends Lee and Jan. I send you my love and hugs. Be good to each other! Be kind to each other! Support each other! Take care of each other!

With love and hugs

Rebecca