Gr8ful –Chemopause 8

Gr8ful –Chemopause 8

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 8 years in Chemopause! I have decided to call it:

Gr8ful

( I’m so damn creative LOL)

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

8 years
96 months
417 weeks 3 days
2,922 days
70,128 hours
4,207,680 minutes
252,460,800 seconds

I spent a good part of yesterday and today debating if I wanted to share about how I feel today, this year, this time…not sure if everyone will understand, although I know there are a few people out there who will get what I am saying.  

I am HAPPY, I am still HERE! J I’ve made it this far…so far

But at the same time, I am alone again as I have lost so many other fellow Cancer patient friends, they were my family, the only true tribe who understands this hellish journey (I hate that word and the phrase “your Cancer journey”- sorry I had to use it though).  I miss them horribly….our Support Group also ended, just as we were losing people, so there is no longer a group to go to where we can discuss the feelings that we all have. Those feelings of fear, uncertainty if the next test will be bad, the feelings of surviving while you watch your friends die, the fear of dying, the fear of living test to test etc… I skipped Cancer Survivor’s Night this year, as I couldn’t bear to be there alone without my friends.

I’ve seen the darkness, darkness that rips your soul to shreds, darkness that seems never ending, but I have also seen the light (No, not “That Light”), but I also see a glimmer, a sparkle of light, oh and it has glitter, lots of GLITTER!! And rainbows, because, well what do you expect from me??

The number 8 has a lot of symbolism and meanings:

8 is the symbol of Harmony and Balance

8 symbolizes the ability to make decisions

8 symbolizes abundance and power

8 is a lucky number in China, a homonym for prosperity

In Tarot, 8 is the card for Justice and Strength

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So back to Gr8ful

I was trying to figure out which song says it for me this year and for some reason I keep going back to Sugar Magnolia/Grateful dead, it makes me sing and smile. These lines stand out for me:

“We can have high times if you’ll abide” ((ahh the joys of Morningrise))

“She come skimming through rays of violet, she can wade in a drop of dew”

“Sunshine, daydream, walk you in the sunshine”

So many things going on, sometimes life can be overwhelming, a lot of times it just makes me shake my head and think seriously? This is what the world is like today?? Wth?? and then I see a commercial for St. Jude’s and I think, nope, my feelings of being overwhelmed are not that bad. Don’t jump on me for the next statement, but I wonder how God can truly exist when babies, and children have Cancer….(please no religious backlash people, I feel how I feel)

Anyway, on Thursday I picked up a clothing donation for my Rebecca’s Chemo Closet. It was my friend Al’s clothing. I am grateful to his wife for donating some of his clothing and for always thinking of others, during such a hard time. I cleared off one side of my men’s clothing rack and hung all of his belongings together. It looks really nice and it made me think that he would be happy that he is helping another man who is going through treatment. It made me smile, I whispered a thank you to my amazing friend and then left to sit in my truck and cry in the parking lot.

I feel kind of jumbled up in my thoughts on this year’s Chemopause, but it’s ok, we are all allowed to feel jumbled.

I am strong, I am here, I am alive!

I love you – (people need to say this more often to others)

Now time to listen to some Grateful Dead and then curl up on my couch with my furbabies and tune the world out again for a bit.

With love

Rebecca