Chemopause 5, The Year of Rebecca!!!

Chemopause 5, The Year of Rebecca!!!

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 5 years in Chemopause! I have dubbed this:

                                                   The Year of Rebecca

Technically it’s the year of the monkey, but hell I deserve a year!

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

5 years
60 months
261 weeks  

1,827 days
 2,632,121 minutes
157,927,306 seconds  

When I started this hideous Cancer journey of mine, I was told that I had a 65% chance of surviving for 5 years. I count my survival from the date that I actually had my last chemo August 10, 2011 (other people count it other ways)…

hey guess what????

 I’M STILL HERE!!!!! I’M STILL STANDING!

I’ve survived 3 months of daily radiation, combined with weekly chemo, a 6 week hiatus from that, followed by life threatening surgery to remove my lymph nodes in my chest and my middle lobe of my right lung, followed by 6 weeks recovery and 3 months in a hospital bed in my living room, which was all followed by another 4 months of intense and extremely harsh chemo, which caused horrible reactions and necessitated 2 separate Platelet transfusion.

It’s been a scary few years for me and probably that anxiety of recurrence will never go away….

Walter got to wave the stuffed cat over me in April….my joke on Cat scan

I had a Cat Scan in April that wound up showing a 3mm spot in my left lung, unfortunately I saw the results on the Patient Portal before my doctor called me and I had a massive freak out….I’m allowed to, that’s some scary stuff. My original Cancer started out as a small spot on my right lung, so to see something like that on a report is terrifying.  My blood work was good, except for a CEA marker that has been going up…CEA stands for Carcinoembryonic Antigen. Nobody is sure what that is about, so we will watch this in future blood work. I am still in the single digits for that, so that’s a positive. My surgeon looked at the Cat Scan and did not freak out…but we decided to go for the Pet Scan to make sure nothing lit up.

So…..2 weeks ago, I snuck around like a teenager and went in for a Pet Scan at the hospital. I registered and was waiting when I realized that I forgot to have Walter wave one of the dogs over me before we left the house. I am VERY superstitious about the animal waving before my scans…so being the awesome guy that he is, he pulled up a photo of the dogs on his phone and we stood there in the hallway, with people all around us, and he waved his cell phone all over me, front and back. I was cracking up and honestly could care less what anyone thought. Once they took me back, I listened to my song “Moonlight Mile” for 60 minutes nonstop after my injection , you have to wait that amount of time for the injection to work its way through you entire body and nobody can be with you, it’s a lonely scary time and then I sang it to myself in my head throughout the 45 minute scan, as I am claustrophobic and cancer phobic. I also practiced selfies in that cold little room, lol they need work.

The results were good!! I won’t go into all the technical medical jargon; I know youguys would have to Google it, so let’s go with regular people words for now.

 Nothing lit up!! That’s a good thing!

Ok, small amount of technical stuff so you know why that’s important: The positron emission tomography (PET) scan creates computerized images of chemical changes, such as sugar metabolism, that take place in tissue. Typically, the patient is given an injection of a substance that consists of a combination of a sugar and a small amount of radioactively labeled sugar. The radioactive sugar can help in locating a tumor, because cancer cells take up or absorb sugar more avidly than other tissues in the body.

So, all that being said……I have hit 5 years in Chemopause!! This is a milestone for me!!! J

Will I run out and get something that says “Survivor” on it…probably not since I feel like that would bring me bad luck (a kinehorah for those who know Yiddish). 

I will continue to call this Chemopause- it’s my word I made up and I’m comfortable with it, plus it makes people laugh when I say it and explain it. 

I am going to make a shirt that says Chemopause x 5 stay tuned for a pic soon.

So for the most part, I think Sir Elton John’s song: “I’m Still Standing” says it for me right now, especially some of the lyrics and the chorus

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life……

Stay cool in this ungodly heat, hug a friend, hug a puppy, look at the stars, eat the damn cake and chocolate, you deserve it (you only live once) and always be thankful for what you have.

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, and in memory of our friend Larry who recently passed away from cancer….. I send you my love and hugs. Be good to each other!

With love and hugs

Rebecca 

Chemopause 4 now in 3D- Grab those special glasses

Chemopause 4 now  in 3D- Grab those special glasses

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Hi there,

Today I celebrate Chemopause 4 in 3D! Why 3D?  Why not…last year it was Chemopause the Musical, this year it’s 3D since I have recently seen some 3D movies.  Or maybe it’s because I am more than one dimensional, multi dimensional Rebecca, yep that makes sense to me, maybe to you also.

As of today I have been in Chemopause for

4 years
48 months
209 weeks
1,461 days
35,078 hours
2,104,691 minutes
126,281,485 seconds

It’s been a year of ups and downs, good, bad, in between as I’m sure everyone can relate to in their own lives. I am happy to be here. I am still dealing with pain, in my bones, so bad at times that I can’t do things I want to do. Other times it’s tolerable…it annoys the hell out of me. I gave up on trying to work out in a gym, as the treadmill just caused more pain and the elliptical (my old friend) is just not doable anymore for me. There are other treatment related issues I deal with but I won’t bore you with a big list. I’m a different version of me than I used to be.

 I’ve been attending a Cancer Support Meeting once a month, it just recently started and I am thankful for my Social Worker, Ruthmary for listening to me and others about the need for a support group for us “others”, the ones with Cancer’s that don’t have a huge support system…we are a mixed group of people.  We may be what I call the “others” but we are just as important and going through just as difficult times and feelings. Something we all seem to relate to in our little group. I’ve met and become friends with some really great people. It’s great to hear each other talk about things, because only a person who has gone through or is going through this journey, will ever be able to truly understand what is being said. People mean well when they comment “ You look great” or “Now you can put this behind you” , but in reality there is no putting it behind you, it is something we live with, memories that are scary, thoughts about the future that are just as scary. But we can also laugh about things, because as warped as it may seem at times, there are still things from this journey that make us smile. For me, it would be the day a new nurse flushed my port out with saline and missed the port and filled my boob with saline. Ok, it was very painful, stung like hell and I commented that I thought my ‘girls’ were just fine and didn’t need saline implants. Incidentally, that nurse didn’t last long at the office. Or my infamous “I’m Being Deported” tee shirt that I wore the day I got my port taken out. I love that my incredible surgeon has a photo in his office of me and him, with me wearing the shirt right before he took me into the OR. Also there is a picture of me in the hospital with my bald head, wearing my Dollar Store tiara and earrings, 4 days after lung surgery, as I declared myself the Cancer Queen (yes I was on heavy meds/morphine etc)

I was honored to be honored this year at Survivors Night; I received an award for my Rebecca’s Chemo Closet. It felt really great and I love that I can help others even in a small way.  I have started a GoFundMe page, as I am trying to raise money to buy more items for Cancer patients in need.  Please visit my page, a $5 donation will help buy nutrition drinks. http://www.gofundme.com/vt5t84

 I’m also really into Healing Touch and have been going for those sessions on a continuing basis. Ok, before you think that it’s some ‘smack you on the head, you are HEALED” thing, let me explain. It’s more of a mind/body experience and extremely relaxing. The definition is “Healing Touch is a therapy that helps to restore and balance energy that has been depleted due to stress, illness, injury, grief, medical conditions, surgery or medical treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation.”

The woman who volunteers her time for Cancer patients is just one of those amazing people that really cares about what she is doing and really helps me relax. Each session is an opportunity for me to relax my non-stop brain and just kind of float for a while.  I’ve also been doing Mindfulness Meditation, another way to leave yourself behind for a bit and let your mind go elsewhere.

Anxiety is a huge part of my journey, and learning new ways to deal with it are comforting to me.

In other news (ok, now I sound like an old holiday newsletter)….We now have 4 dogs, I have my own little pack going here!! Sophie came to us in November and Shilo came home in May. Shilo was born on my Dad’s birthday, March 18^th J Sophie just turned 1 in June, Marley just turned 9 and Katie is 13 and has dementia. It’s an interesting group of furballs and I love it!

Michael has been home since May and we take him back to college next Friday…sigh…I don’t know that I am ready for that yet…LOL, um he never fully unpacked for the summer so it should be easy to repack him up. I’m going to miss him a lot….. L But he has promised to skype more often this semester.

Rachel is getting married in 18 days!! OMG, my daughter is getting married in 18 days…. I really can’t believe how quickly time has flown by!! It sounds cliché, but it feels like she was just a tiny baby not too long ago. Her wedding gown is beyond gorgeous and just seeing her in it for fittings makes me cry. I can’t wait to share pics form the wedding. I’m so grateful that I am still here to see my baby girl walk down the aisle!

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, I send you my love and hugs.

Although I may not always feel this way every day, I think this song says it for me this year:

(What a) Wonderful World

Song by Louis Armstrong

I see trees of green, red roses, too,
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white,
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people going by.
I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"
They're really sayin', "I love you."

I hear babies cryin'. I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world

J So go out and enjoy this wonderful world, look at the clouds, stare at the stars, find your rainbow and always be grateful for every day that you have.

With love and hugs

Rebecca

We get by with a little help from our friends….

We get by with a little help from our friends….

Joe Cocker died today at the age of 70, having succumbed to Small Cell Lung Cancer. His rendition of “With a Little Help from my Friends” at Woodstock in 1969, is my all-time favorite. The passion he had while singing always amazed me, his moves always made me smile. The loss of his voice and talent is tremendous. The loss of his life to Cancer is horrible. The loss of his life to LUNG CANCER hits home with me, as I too have Lung Cancer. Mine is Non-Small Cell Adenocarcinoma Stage 3A.

What makes me even sadder is that Joe Cocker’s death seems to have become a way for people to publicly blame the patient for the disease, based on comments I am reading.  This just makes me so sad. Over the past 3 years, I have learned that this is nothing new in the Cancer world…..this is nothing new in the regular world….I have yet to attend a Cancer Patient meeting/event where I have not heard this from other patients. I have yet to hear another patient or person blame a different type of Cancer patient for their disease. Nobody blames a Breast Cancer patient, nobody blames a Stomach Cancer patient etc. I am not trying to sound mean; I am just sad, angry and fed up. Nobody provides support; there are “no paint the town a color” months for us.  Yet people feel inclined to point out to Lung Cancer patients that ‘I bet you smoked’….the sad thing is in the past 2 years, I have held the hands of 2 dying friends, one who had Small Cell Lung Cancer and never smoked and one who had Small Cell Lung Cancer and did smoke, yet also worked as a mechanic and was exposed to numerous carcinogens.  We talked about the misconceptions, the blame game, the overall sadness and despair felt by Lung Cancer patients, the lack of support, the need to become each other’s support, the moments when one or more of us felt like ending it before it ended us. I sit here typing this, as the sole survivor of these conversations…. I am in Remission/Chemopause, I need to hit 5 years to see if I survive.

Here are some facts from the American Lung Cancer Association:

http://www.lung.org/lung-disease/lung-cancer/resources/facts-figures/lung-cancer-fact-sheet.html

·        Lung cancer is the leading cancer killer in both men and women in the United States. In 1987, it surpassed breast cancer to become the leading cause of cancer deaths in women.

·        The lung cancer five-year survival rate (17.8%) is lower than many other leading cancer sites, such as the colon (65.4%), breast (90.5%) and prostate (99.6%).

·        The five-year survival rate for lung cancer is 54.0 percent for cases detected when the disease is still localized (within the lungs). However, only 15 percent of lung cancer cases are diagnosed at an early stage. For distant tumors (spread to other organs) the five-year survival rate is only 4.0 percent.

·        Over half of people with lung cancer die within one year of being diagnosed.

Surprisingly, Pot Smokers are not getting Lung Cancer at the same rate as others.

 “Like tobacco smoke, marijuana smoke contains cancer-causing chemicals.  There are 33 cancer-causing chemicals contained in marijuana. Marijuana smoke also deposits tar into the lungs.” (American Lung Cancer Association)    

Let’s ponder that for a moment….ok, pondered it, guess Inappropriate Happiness isn't all bad.

Sigh…..ok I have said what I feel needed to be said, I speak from the heart, always have….. I hope people listen….

Today, December 22, 2014, Joe Cocker, a musical legend has been lost, his voiced silenced.  My sympathies to his family and millions of fans.  May he rest in Peace…..

Love Lifts Us Up

Who knows what tomorrow brings
In a world, few hearts survive
All I know is the way I feel
When it's real, I keep it alive

The road is long, there are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

Some hang on to "used to be"
Live their lives, looking behind
All we have is here and now
All our life, out there to find

The road is long, there are mountains in our way,
But we climb them a step every day…….

Love

Rebecca 

4 years later……

4 years later……

On this day, 4 years ago, October 20, 2010, I was told… “You have Cancer”.  

That was 1,461 days ago, (in case you’re curious). It’s a phone call I will never forget, it’s a phone call that I want to forget….

….It was only 3 months and 22 days after my Dad died from Cancer ( June 28, 2010). 

It was heart wrenching to tell my children that I was now sick too. It was equally as hard to tell my Mom and siblings. And then to tell my friends……..

The life of a Cancer patient is not easy; don’t let anyone tell you that it is. Don’t think for a minute that it is all sunshine and rainbows…as most of us hide our real feelings and the real pictures/photos of how the treatments have/had affected us.

 Don’t judge others for their choices that they make, if you have not been in their position. (this is in regards to recent news reports about Cancer patients making life choices)

Living in Chemopause (also known as Remission- a word I don’t use)  is not an easy life, there is the constant worrying and stress of not knowing if/and/or when your Cancer will come back. Scanxiety is uncontrollable when testing is scheduled.  I am now 3 years and 2 months into Chemopause.  I cherish every day. I try to make things better for other Cancer patients through Rebecca’s Chemo Closet and through friendships I have made with other Cancer patients. I have found people, people have found me and we support each other, as there are no support groups for my Cancer. 

Blaming people for the type of Cancer they have is inexcusable. Genetics and environment play a huge part for many…..

At a Cancer event that I went to on Friday, one of the speakers, a psychiatrist whose practice is cancer patients, handed out a pamphlet in regards to her talk. It’s called “Resilience and Coping”. There is a lot of good info as to what Resilient people worry about; info about understanding that living through the Cancer experience can be one of the most stressful times in your life, allowing your feelings to come through to others, not forcing a positive attitude for the benefit of others. I just sat there nodding my head, like OMG, finally someone gets it!

I woke up this morning with Elton John’s song “I’m still standing” running through my head. J I love the video, I love these lyrics.    Help, it wont stop..LOL.

I hope you are all enjoying the leaves and trees and the color changes, it’s beautiful, make sure you take a minute or two to look around and see the beauty around you!

Love & hugs,

Rebecca

Chemopause 3- “The Musical”

Chemopause 3- “The Musical”

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Hi All,

Today I celebrate Chemopause 3- “The Musical” (LOL, it just felt like it should say that)

Please feel free to make up a song and sing it to me. Hmmm, maybe I should make up a song too. I know I don’t write much in my blog, I do however write a great deal on scraps of paper, journals, notebooks, my hands…..well you get the point. Sometimes my thoughts are just too private to share with anyone.

We all feel like that at times.

But today I share this with you, I hope you read it.

As of today August 10, 2014, I have been in Chemopause (see above definition) for:

3 years
36 months old.
157 weeks old.
1,096 days old.
26,323 hours old.
1,579,403 minutes old.
94,764,206 seconds old.

As I stated in my last posting, no I did not become a Math Genius from all that freaking chemo and radiation! There is a great site I use for people’s birthdays, it’s a lot of fun/cool facts, check it out, plug your birthday in: http://www.paulsadowski.com/Birthday.asp

It’s been a decent year, a lot of things happening in my little world. Good things, sad things….changes galore.

J In HAPPY NEWS: 

Rachel  will be getting married in 1 year and 18 days!!!! She found the perfect wedding gown a few weeks ago, she is stunning in it!!!! It made me cry when she walked out!! This is such a happy thing for all of us!  I can’t wait to walk my baby girl walk down the aisle!

Michael graduated High School in June! He is leaving for college in 10 days! He’s going to Edinboro University in Edinboro, Pa (near Erie Pa, 7 ½ hours away, over 400 miles) He will be majoring in Forensic Science, in the HONORS Program!! He wants to do blood spatter and DNA analysis! All those years of horror movies and Dexter seem to have had an effect on him. LOL.

My grapevines have gone totally ballistic!! It’s time to make jelly this week! I can’t wait to do that! 

Sadly 2 of my beautiful Butterfly bushes didn’t make it through the hellish winter we had, but my hummingbirds are here in full force and the other 2 butterfly bushes are blooming, so I do have butterflies. My yard is like a Broomall version of Animal Planet or the Discovery Channel. I had an eagle here a week or so ago, hawks circling, turkey vultures, the possum is enjoying the grapes that fall on the ground, as are the birds and squirrels and other creatures that make it over or under my fence to get to the food. The hummingbirds still come right up to my face and chirp that amazes me every time!

A friend of mine recently said that she envisions me as Snow White in my yard. J That really made me smile! (now where did my 7 little friends go??)

Health wise I am doing ok. 

Still dealing with a bunch of long term side effects, knowing now that they will never go away. Trying to find some alternative ways to deal with certain long term issues.

I stopped the medicine I was taking for the neuropathy, as it was affecting my mental status and made me so depressed, that I was thinking things that were not normal. It’s bizarre the effects that medicine can have on people, and I think what’s even more bizarre is that doctors do not always inform patients of the serious things to look out for while on certain meds. My surgeon told me to throw the meds out, I did. The medicine made me feel suicidal.

I still take meds for bone and muscle pain when I need to. They help on those bad nights.

There needs to be more support for ALL Cancer patients to deal with the long term issues you face after treatment. It seems that some oncologist feel that a ‘treat and street” you approach is ok, it’s NOT! I could go on and on about what it’s like to be me, but we all have things to deal with in our lives.

I have a wonderful oncology social worker who is helping me to find my new voice in this new part of my life. One of the things that she has suggested is “Love yourself fiercely”….I like that, I’m trying….. She also had me read Rumi’s “The Guesthouse” recently, pretty powerful stuff. Here is the link if you want to read this poem. http://www.gratefulness.org/poetry/guest_house.htm

I am getting back to my artist self, I have missed creating!! I’m fusing glass and making pendants, assemblage art, re-working dolls that I find at flea markets (horror style). Yes, eventually I will post some pics of my art and I am working on getting an Etsy shop up for my glass work. My camera is a huge part of my world, I love shooting pics….someday I want an extreme zoom lens.

I miss the college days, having a studio to work in, creating nonstop, and exploring ways to express myself.  

Life is a journey! Don’t waste your journey! J

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, I send you my love and understanding. I am here if you ever need me!

Now get outside and check out the Super Moon and start watching for the meteor shower!

 That’s where I will be later tonight.  

Make a wish if you see a shooting star!!

Peaceful wishes & Love

Rebecca

Chemopause 2

Chemopause 2

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Hi All,

It’s been a long time since I updated my blog. I’ve had so much to say, but like a caterpillar, I’ve kind of cocooned my thoughts and myself from a lot of things and people. Sometimes I feel that the holding back on how I feel physically, or what I truly feel or think, helps to cocoon others in a safe place, away from the realities of what it’s like to be me. Don’t get me wrong, I will always be forthright and truthful; sometimes it’s just easier to tell people what they ‘want’ to hear. So with all that having been said, here goes J…

As of August 10, 2013, I have been in Chemopause (see above definition) for:

                                                                                    24 months

                                                                                    105 weeks

                                                                                    731 days

                                                                                    17,661 hours

                                                                                    1,059,677 minutes

                                                                                    63,580,625 seconds

LOL, in case you are wondering…no I did not become a Math Genius from all that freaking chemo! There is a great site I use for people’s birthdays, it’s a lot of fun/cool facts, check it out, plug your birthday in: http://www.paulsadowski.com/Birthday.asp

For now there is nobody jabbing needles into my chest, or shooting me up with bone marrow booster shots,drawing blood nonstop or making me so sick I can’t move off the couch. I am untouched for the most part, although I still go for a lot of tests and blood work etc. I’m still living on meds, but they are not making me sick; the meds help with the neuropathy (hands/feet-long term chemo side effects). Meds for pain, nerve damage, bone pain etc, some pretty heavy duty stuff, but I use it mainly at night, so I am not a daytime zombie. Muscle relaxers for when the damaged muscles ball up, and other meds to cut down anxiety and help me sleep- nights are the worst for me, my brain thinks too much. Pills, pills and more pills, I feel like Alice in Wonderland and I hear Grace Slick singing in my head. I still have my “inappropriately happy’ pills too, but I just hang on to them and smile when I see them in the fridge. J

My body is tired and I really wish I had my old body back….I want to go kick some ass and break a speed bag in the gym like I used to, maybe someday I will do that again.

I lost 2 more friends in the past few months. Ronny, an older man I met at Radiation died in March. We talked all the time. He also had Lung Cancer, but a different type, his produced tumors near his throat, eventually paralyzing his vocal cords and taking his voice, and he had tumors that spread through his chest. He was a veteran and just one of the nicest people I have met! I’m glad he was part of my life and I hold him in my heart and see him in the white butterflies that visit. (my grandmother told me that white butterflies are loved ones who are gone, that visit you)

I lost my friend Hank 2 weeks ago. He also had Lung Cancer, also a different form than mine. His journey was very rough, having suffered a heart attack and a stroke during a procedure. He bounced back pretty well for what he had gone through. He had trouble with chemo, but bounced back again. I jokingly referred to him as my friend the Jack in the Box. Treatment eventually started taking a toll on him; the nonstop chemo can be deadly when your body is so beat up. I have seen it happen before, I saw it happen again.

I did have the chance to go and sit and talk and hold hands with both of my friends before they died. It was comforting for all of us. It still makes me very sad. But I’m grateful for the friendships that we had and they will be with me in spirit as I continue on my journey.

I was due for my 4 month Pet Scan in May, but it didn’t happen. We live in a world where people have to fight every day for their rights, medical care, equality, marriage, family, jobs etc. We also live in a world where insurance companies are making life altering and life threatening decisions for us, without our consent. A world where a Cancer patient can’t get necessary testing done. My insurance company – Aetna- refused to pre-certify my Pet Scan, stating that I have been out of treatment for over 6 months and they deemed it “preventative and not needed”. (words to that effect) My oncologist who fought with them  once before and got approval for another test, pretty much threw her hands in the air this time and didn’t go to bat for me. She said insurance companies have changed the rules and I need to accept that. I am not happy about this at all, especially since my oncologist has been tracking the changes in my bilateral axillary lymph nodes in my armpit areas. How are you supposed to keep tracking them without the Pet Scan??  I was sent for a Cat Scan without dye (I’ve become allergic to the dye), it was a waste of time and money, it was like getting a very expensive Upper GI. And unfortunately will not show the lymph nodes without the dye. So I sit in limbo land once again. It’s very frustrating. If I had the money I would pay cash for the Pet Scan, I bet the hospital would love that!  Pet Scans are very expensive. ARRGGHH!

I hope that I continue to stay in Remission. So send some positive thoughts my way J

J In HAPPY NEWS:

My son, Michael past his Drivers Permit test last week and is doing great practicing with me in the car! He also got his Senior Portraits done for school and is looking at colleges. (sniff)

My daughter Rachel was on vacation last week with her boyfriend of almost 8 years. She came home on Saturday night with the most beautiful engagement ring!! My little girl is engaged and I couldn’t be happier for her!! They plan to get married in September of 2015.  (sniff again)
I love my kids!

I’ve got a yard full of grapes, tons this year! And butterflies and hummingbirds are everywhere in the yard! My special hummingbird that has been visiting me for the past few summers still comes right up to my face and chirps at me. It’s so freaking cool!

My final thoughts are for those who are living with Cancer, I know it’s hard, I know we sometimes put on the “happy’ face when we get a picture taken or see people and try to make everyone else feel ok. I have rarely let anyone see the ‘real’ pictures of Cancer that I have taken of myself, and I have taken a lot of those pictures. Just make sure that you take care of yourselves! And remember that you are loved.

Peaceful wishes & Love

Rebecca

I’m being Deported!

        Ok, now that I have your complete attention, LOL, I will explain. I have had fun telling people I am being ‘deported’ and watching their reactions. My pain management doctor (who is from India) almost threw his neck out when I said it, he turned his head so fast! He said “OMG, where are you really from and why/where are they deporting you to?” I said “They are sending me back to the land of Rebecca”. J ((( yes, a place as unique as me )))

            I am having my Groshong Power Port surgically removed next Monday, December 17, 2012. For those that don’t know what this is, it’s an implanted chest port that I have now had in me for the past 20 months. It was placed after I had to go back on chemo in April of 2011, as all my veins had gone to hell from chemo and were the size of uncooked angel hair pasta. (my veins are still crappy, but better than they were) The Power Port is used for taking blood, delivering meds, chemo etc. It needs to be flushed with saline very 6 weeks, so it doesn’t clog or clot. Mine has started to become difficult to access for blood. It is implanted in my left upper chest and the catheter runs over my collarbone, up my neck and into my jugular vein. Not a very comfy thing when I am trying to sleep or turn my head, as it tends to pull on my neck. I have threatened to use an xacto blade and remove it myself, which also freaks out the doctors, but I have finally gotten the official ok to have it removed professionally.

This is what it looks like:

From the outside, you can feel the 3 bumps that the nurse use to guide where they should jab that needle in your chest, you can also see the cath that snakes up my neck and feel the shape of the port beneath my skin. It’s like having an alien inside you, very weird, but very helpful when you need it. I also learned recently that when I am xrayed or scanned, I have a tracking number on the port that is visible on the tests. I have a card that I carry that identifies my numbers as well.

            I had my most recent Pet Scan a few weeks ago and this led to the decision to have the port removed. While the docs are continuing to watch some lymph nodes, I do not need chemo right now, which is a happy thing! So I remain on Chemopause and have chosen to be deported! I will be scanned again in 4 months, as this is the new normal for me.

            I look forward to starting the new year without my port.

Oh and one more thing (but shhh, don’t tell my surgeon) I’m making a tee shirt to wear on my surgery day that says: I’M BEING DEPORTED TODAY!  I hope to get a picture of my surgeon with me before he takes it out.

Wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas and Great New Year!

With love

Rebecca