Chemopause 7 : The 7th Season “Embracing Imperfection”

Chemopause 7 : The 7^th Season “Embracing Imperfection”

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 7 years in Chemopause! I have decided to call it:

Embracing Imperfection

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

                                                                                                                                61,368 Hours

                                                                                                                                  2,557 Days

                                                                                                                                     365 Weeks

                                                                                                                                       83 Months

                                                                                                                                         7 Years

I think you get the idea, yep Chemopause – The 7^th Season. I mark my start of what others call “Remission” (the word remission isn’t all  it’s cracked up to be) aka, Chemopause, as the last day I had Chemo.

So far so good, I am beating the 65% chance of survival that I was given after Chemo/Radiation/Surgery/More Chemo in 2011. ((knock wood))

Today in my Facebook Memories, it came up with 2 postings, done 1 year apart.

1.     The first one was on August 10, 2010 and it read: “ Killed my arms boxing today! OUCH!”   

2.      The second one was from August 10, 2011 and it read :  “Wednesday…Chemo…it’s what I do…”  

Life can change drastically in 1 years time. Think about that for a moment.

Each day, month, year brings with it joy and also the justifiable concern that my Cancer will recur. Unless a person has unfortunately walked in a Cancer patients

shoes, they will not understand that statement to its fullest degree.

I have these white icicle lights that hang in my front window and are lit at all times. Yes my friends, I know Christmas is over and that it’s 95 degrees with 90% humidity (for God sake, my straight hair is curling like the old days LOL) But I keep this strand of lights shining as a remembrance of my friends that are no longer with me. I’ve lost so many good people in the past year.  So remember if you see something “out of season” or different on someone’s house, there is most likely a deep personal meaning behind it. Don’t judge, just try to understand, not a simple thing for some to do in this incredibly messed up world we are living in right now.

I’ve started seeing a Rheumatologist, at the urging of my daughter, for the CIPN (Chemo Induced Peripheral Neuropathy) and bone and muscle pain. I live in varying degrees of pain on a daily basis, when it’s really bad, it knocks me down for a day or so. I have also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and PTSD, Chronic Fatigue, among other post treatment issues. My body is not what it used to be, I’m no longer that girl who spent her lunch hour in the gym, kicking ass on the elliptical and beating on the speed bag until it would pop the cotter pin and go flying off its mooring. (LOL, the gym manager hated when I did that)

I’ve also started Physical Therapy twice a week to try and get some strength back in my arms and to work the muscles that have become frozen due to limited movement, they are also using Myofascial Release Therapy to try and relieve connective tissue/muscle restrictions. It’s helping a little bit so far with movement.

I’ve started painting again, love my new oils and love the smell of a wet oil painting (other artists know what I mean LOL). It’s a good release for me, but since my hands go numb constantly, I have decided to concentrate more on abstract painting. I’m also working on abstract small stained glass sun catchers and fusing glass pendants. Also I usually don’t go anywhere without my camera. I do these things when my hands are working well and stop when my hands go numb. There are days when I can’t do any of these things that I love and those days make me sad and angry.

 I am trying to judge myself less, hence “Embracing Imperfection”  ( a phrase I came up with a few days ago).

We are empty nesters, so weird how time flies and our kids are suddenly gone!

“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go”

My pack of pups keeps me company though and they keep me busy. Unconditional love and kisses….and fur on my leggings haha!

I went back and forth over which song represented how I feel on this Chemopause Day, as you all know I speak in lyrics. I decided on this song as it represents different feelings I am having about some things.  

“Time of your Life”  (yes, I know the real title is Good Riddance- but I like this line and I’m not saying goodbye”

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs, and still-frames in your mind
Hang them on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoo's of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

Are you singing the song now?

On a serious note: My dear friend Al has been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks, his Cancer has metastasized and he is very sick. Please say a prayer, or send a good thought his way. He’s an amazing man and I’d really appreciate the good thoughts for him and his wife and son.

I hope you are all keeping cool, this weather is insane. Do something nice for someone, just for the hell of it, it feels pretty good when you do that. Also remember as I have said before, eat the cake, enjoy a tub of icing, have a chocolate bar, sing at the top of your lungs, dance in the rain, hug someone, life is too short to waste time on not enjoying yourself.

Have a great day and stay cool!

With Love and hugs

Rebecca

When your pets think you’re crazy! aka: I had a Pet Scan today

Hi All,

My profile photo for this blog came up in my Facebook memories today. Today January 31, 2018, is 7 years since this photo was taken of my little bald head in a snow storm.

It’s pretty significant that it showed up in my feed this morning, as I spent the past week being extremely stressed out after scheduling a long overdue Pet Scan. I had my Pet Scan done this morning.  When I tell you that I was stressed out, I really mean it. I have not slept or eaten and I will do both of those things tonight! I didn’t tell my children that I was having a Pet Scan done, I didn’t tell my family either. The stress of not knowing something is overwhelming, the reality based stress of not knowing if you have to tell your children bad news is indescribable! I still see myself telling them that I was diagnosed with Cancer; it’s still so fresh and clear, as though I was watching myself in a movie. It makes me cry when I see this memory in my mind.

MY PET SCAN WAS GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the call this afternoon from my Oncologist, she said the Pet Scan is good! I will be able to access the report in a day or so, as I like to read what is documented and I see my surgeon next week for a checkup. I still have questions as to why my tumor marker keeps going up and down, but once I heard the word “good” I started crying and forgot to ask.

The thing with being a Cancer patient and going for testing and then waiting for results is this is something that you just can’t “Think Positive?” or “Don’t assume the worst” or any other cliché saying like that. Every test is a determining factor as to whether you may live or die, go through treatment again, or opt not to do that again, there’s a great deal to think about, a great deal to worry about.. It’s horrible.  This past year has been full of such sad losses in my little Cancer world, losing 4 friends in roughly 4 months. It made it that much harder to make myself schedule any testing, there’s that part of me that needs answers and the part of me that says “I don’t want to know anything anymore”. It’s a hell of a catch 22. But I promised my buddy Al that I would get it done and I ran out of reasons for not going.

My dogs think their humans are crazy, lol the looks on their faces as my husband waved each dog over me this morning, was hysterical!! A total WTF moment for them, especially the younger ones. As you know I have Walter wave a stuffed cat over me for Cat Scans, and for Pet Scans, we wave dogs over me! Yes, I know it sounds silly, but hey it works for me and makes me laugh when I am stressed before going to the hospital.

I have a particular song that I listen to before any test; I only listen to it for that. A friend ‘gave’ me this song when I was first diagnosed, I know all the lyrics, I play it from the time I leave my house until the time my testing starts. It calms me down and gives me great visuals to see when I have my eyes shut during scans. “Moonlight Mile”- Rolling Stones, it’s really beautiful!

If you really know me, then you know I am a person who speaks in song lyrics. Be that as it may, I am not sure what song fits today for me? A few that came to mind are:

I’m Still Standing – Elton John

Seasons of Love - Rent

The Sound of Silence - Disturbed

Demons – Imagine Dragons

There are lyrics in each song that represent today for me. It’s a mixed bag…

In a few months I will worry again about the next test that heads my way. It’s a vicious cycle.

But today I will celebrate a good Pet Scan. J

Sending love and hugs out to all of you!

Rebecca 

Cancerversary and other adorable ways to say the Day Your Life Changed Forever or WTF?

Today marks 7 years since my world changed forever. 7 years since I took the phone call that would change my life forever. October 20, 2010 was the day I was told that I have Non Small Cell Adenocarcinoma Stage 3A Lung Cancer. I was only 46 at the time, pretty young to have this and to be at this stage of this type of Cancer.

 When you think about 7 years ago in your life, it can feel so long ago to most people, but to me it’s as clear as if it were today. My life now  has become a blur in a lot of ways; days and weeks melt into each other….it’s a different kind of life now, one with fears of what the future holds constant pain and bad neuropathy in my hands, which sucks for an artist, anxiety, sleeplessness and worry. My body is not the same as it used to be. I used to kick ass in the gym every day on my lunch break, I used to hit the speed bag until I would knock it off its hook, I had energy, focus, was a hell of a multi-tasker at work, I miss that old me.

I never hold back when I write in my blog, I don’t feel the need to sugar coat how I feel or what I go through. Honesty is the best way to explain things to people or share things with people. So here I go, sharing from my heart and soul….to know me is to love me.. ( or not, that’s your choice LOL)

There are a lot of people out there who see the day they were diagnosed as being some cute saying, “Cancerversary”- ok, I don’t get it, because words that end in “versary” are supposed to be like Anniversary- a happy thing.(by the way we just celebrated our 30^th Anniversary)  I can’t say that the day I was diagnosed was  a happy one.

I have been to functions where I have heard a speaker or another patient say “My diagnosis was the BEST thing that ever happened to me”…..ummm, NO, I think for me that was 3 different things, The day I got married, the day my daughter was born, and the day my son was born.  How can your diagnosis be a good thing??? I will never understand that…

“She wears her scars like a Warrior, for they are a reminder that she is Alive” ok, well maybe her scars don’t cause constant pain or interfere with what type of clothes she can wear. Mine do, and to be honest I have thrown my bras to the wind like some 70’s feminist (thankfully I’m still perky enough to carry that off), I can’t have the pressure on my scars, I have a long scar under my right breast that wraps under my arm to my back, a deep long one on my back and assorted drainage tube scars, those freaking things hurt, not to mention a weirdly healed scar on my chest where my Power Port was and one across my base of my throat. The scars and areas that were operated on caused damage to the nerves and there is constant pain from the nerve endings.  But I will say that I am a warrior and always have been throughout my life before and after my diagnosis.

So anyway, today is 7 years since I was diagnosed with Cancer. I am lucky to still be here typing this out for you to read, I am lucky that I have a husband and 2 great kids and a pack of pups. I am “lucky” because I think luck has a lot to do with it. This past summer has made me really look at things in a different way, losing 2 really good friends has been hard, very hard…going back to support meetings without my friend Lee, breaks my heart every time, my handbag sits in his chair, as I will not give that seat up yet.

I am extremely thankful that I am still here on this earth. I am trying to get back to my true self, the one I feel I lost a long time before my diagnosis. The self I was supposed to be. I am creating again in my studio, I am fusing glass and making pendants, I am re-teaching myself how to solder and creating abstract small stained glass pieces, I am painting. I do this in spurts, as my hands don’t work right anymore and the neuropathy makes them numb, but I am doing it anyway and stop when I have to. I am making photos, creating memories, listening to mellow music, but still head banging when I need to and boy does it get loud! Ha! I am dyeing sections of my hair lavender, because I have always wanted to and because I really don’t care anymore what anyone thinks. My days are spent in solitude for the most part, except for my awesome pack of pups, yes it can get very lonely not seeing people every day, but there’s always social media.

I think sometimes we all get so wrapped up in worrying about how others perceive us that we don’t live true to ourselves. Don’t waste your time doing that, live YOUR life the way that makes you feel right, the way that makes you feel happy and productive, the way that makes YOU happy!

So someone asked me how I will “celebrate” my diagnosis date, I won’t, it’s not a day to celebrate, instead I will go and create something new, I will grab my camera and drive to someplace and look at the world with a different set of eyes, a 7 year old set of eyes and I will record my vision of the world.

Whew, that felt good to type all this out of my head, thanks for listening!

Here’s hoping your day is a great one!

With love and hugs

Rebecca

Chemopause 6: A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

Chemopause 6: A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 6 years in Chemopause! I have decided to call it:

A Time to Dance, a Time to Mourn

(It has been a few difficult months with the loss of 2 friends)

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

6 years
72 months
313 weeks
2,192 days
52,622 hours
3,157,358 minutes
189,441,501 seconds

I know I usually make this yearly posting one full of positive things to express how I am feeling about hitting this milestone. This year, I am extremely grateful and will dance to celebrate (at my nephews wedding tomorrow), yet at the same time I am sad as I recently lost two good friends within 6 weeks of each other.

I would like to tell you a little bit about each one, as they were also Cancer Patients and we attended Support Group, Drumming, Cancer Seminars, Mindfulness Meditation and other events together over the past years. They were each amazing people.

I first met Lee at a Drumming Circle for Cancer Patients event over 4 years ago. (If you have never attended a Drumming Circle, go check one out! It’s really an amazing experience.)  Lee and I started talking that night; well, at first it was because he stole my favorite drum that I always like to use lol, but that was ok, because it lead to a friendship that was absolutely great! Lee was one of those people that I could really talk to, he understood me, and I understood him. We started going to Mindfulness Meditation together and for a full year, we were the only ones there. We got to know a lot more about each other, our lives-before and after our Cancer diagnosis, our children etc. We talked about how Cancer had changed us, changed people we thought we knew, changed our outlook on what was important in life and what we should just let go of. He was always very insightful and articulate! We talked about art, as we are both painters, music which we both shared a passion for, among other things.   I looked forward to seeing Lee at the different things we went to.

Eventually our friend Al started going to the events with us and the three of us were inseparable. I dubbed us “The Three Musketeers”. Everyone knew us as that! J We would save seats for each other, sit together, attend events and then huddle in the heat or cold outside afterwards and just catch up on whatever any of us needed to talk about. We called, talked, texted, Facebooked. I have some great photos of The Three Musketeers at different places.  We became a family.

Over the past 4 years, I have watched Lee fight like hell against his Cancer, good days mixed with bad, but most of the time with a very upbeat attitude and if the day was really bad then he would talk and we would listen. We all supported each other in a way others outside can’t understand.

I was really happy when Lee was able to come to Cancer Survivors Night on June 5th; I felt it may be the last time that the Three Musketeers got to sit together. We sat and talked and soaked in the time together.  I sit here crying as I try to type this….I have so much more to say, but it’s hard. The world lost Lee on June 16^th. He was truly a gift to this world and to me as a friend. May his memory be a blessing for his family. I miss you so much Lee!

I met Jan about a year and a half ago at Mindfulness Meditation. Talk about a sweet person! Jan was one of those people that you met and instantly liked. Her smile was the kind that lit up a room. Jan was very active in many different causes, especially Citizen’s Climate Lobby. She taught me about this group and what they were doing to help. She was brilliant and was in the first class to include women at Rutgers University. Jan was passionate about everything that she did. She also helped preserve over 80% of the natural landscape that is now The Haverford Reserve. (so the next time you are walking through there or hiking or at the dog park, this is the lady to whom you owe thanks) .

She always complimented my sparkly, glittery purple nail polish, but was hesitant to try it herself……so…I went and bought her a beautiful turquoise blue nail polish and glitter polish to top it off. (she wore a lot of blue). She came to our next event wearing the blue polish with sparkles and the biggest smile!!  Jan had a way of listening to you and really hearing what was behind what you were saying. Her smile was genuine, her caring for others was genuine, she was an angel. Jan passed away on July 29^th. I miss you very much Jan.

----------------------------------

I am still in Chemopause, but at the same time dealing with some issues that need to be looked into. I have been holding onto my Pet Scan script for 2 months now, as I really don’t want to do it, yet I know I need to do it.

 It’s the whole unknown thing and a big dose of Scanxiety. (unless you have dealt with this, you won’t really understand, so please don’t voice your opinion on what I need to ).  I don’t discuss when I am going for any type of scan, as I can’t handle anyone else’s anxiety about my scan, believe me, my own is quite enough. I will however let you all know when I finally go and what the results are, so keep positive vibes headed my way.

Good stuff:   

My son is heading back next weekend for his Senior Year at Edinboro University!! He has met someone and is very happy!! They will celebrate their one year anniversary in September!

My daughter is doing great and having fun raising an 8 month old puppy named Donut along with her older dog Bagel. They are the Breakfast Club! I can’t believe she will be married for 2 years at the end of this month.

I am so proud and blessed to be the mother of these two children!

I know this is turning into a novel length posting…so I will wrap it up before it becomes a feature length film with intermissions. LOL

This the song that I think best represents this past year for me

Turn, Turn, Turn – The Byrds

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

Once again, stay cool in this ungodly heat, hug a friend, hug a puppy, look at the stars, eat the damn cake and chocolate, you deserve it (you only live once) and make the choices in life that are the best for you. Always be thankful for what you have.

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, and in memory of my friends Lee and Jan. I send you my love and hugs. Be good to each other! Be kind to each other! Support each other! Take care of each other!

With love and hugs

Rebecca 

Chemopause 5, The Year of Rebecca!!!

Chemopause 5, The Year of Rebecca!!!

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 5 years in Chemopause! I have dubbed this:

                                                   The Year of Rebecca

Technically it’s the year of the monkey, but hell I deserve a year!

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

5 years
60 months
261 weeks  

1,827 days
 2,632,121 minutes
157,927,306 seconds  

When I started this hideous Cancer journey of mine, I was told that I had a 65% chance of surviving for 5 years. I count my survival from the date that I actually had my last chemo August 10, 2011 (other people count it other ways)…

hey guess what????

 I’M STILL HERE!!!!! I’M STILL STANDING!

I’ve survived 3 months of daily radiation, combined with weekly chemo, a 6 week hiatus from that, followed by life threatening surgery to remove my lymph nodes in my chest and my middle lobe of my right lung, followed by 6 weeks recovery and 3 months in a hospital bed in my living room, which was all followed by another 4 months of intense and extremely harsh chemo, which caused horrible reactions and necessitated 2 separate Platelet transfusion.

It’s been a scary few years for me and probably that anxiety of recurrence will never go away….

Walter got to wave the stuffed cat over me in April….my joke on Cat scan

I had a Cat Scan in April that wound up showing a 3mm spot in my left lung, unfortunately I saw the results on the Patient Portal before my doctor called me and I had a massive freak out….I’m allowed to, that’s some scary stuff. My original Cancer started out as a small spot on my right lung, so to see something like that on a report is terrifying.  My blood work was good, except for a CEA marker that has been going up…CEA stands for Carcinoembryonic Antigen. Nobody is sure what that is about, so we will watch this in future blood work. I am still in the single digits for that, so that’s a positive. My surgeon looked at the Cat Scan and did not freak out…but we decided to go for the Pet Scan to make sure nothing lit up.

So…..2 weeks ago, I snuck around like a teenager and went in for a Pet Scan at the hospital. I registered and was waiting when I realized that I forgot to have Walter wave one of the dogs over me before we left the house. I am VERY superstitious about the animal waving before my scans…so being the awesome guy that he is, he pulled up a photo of the dogs on his phone and we stood there in the hallway, with people all around us, and he waved his cell phone all over me, front and back. I was cracking up and honestly could care less what anyone thought. Once they took me back, I listened to my song “Moonlight Mile” for 60 minutes nonstop after my injection , you have to wait that amount of time for the injection to work its way through you entire body and nobody can be with you, it’s a lonely scary time and then I sang it to myself in my head throughout the 45 minute scan, as I am claustrophobic and cancer phobic. I also practiced selfies in that cold little room, lol they need work.

The results were good!! I won’t go into all the technical medical jargon; I know youguys would have to Google it, so let’s go with regular people words for now.

 Nothing lit up!! That’s a good thing!

Ok, small amount of technical stuff so you know why that’s important: The positron emission tomography (PET) scan creates computerized images of chemical changes, such as sugar metabolism, that take place in tissue. Typically, the patient is given an injection of a substance that consists of a combination of a sugar and a small amount of radioactively labeled sugar. The radioactive sugar can help in locating a tumor, because cancer cells take up or absorb sugar more avidly than other tissues in the body.

So, all that being said……I have hit 5 years in Chemopause!! This is a milestone for me!!! J

Will I run out and get something that says “Survivor” on it…probably not since I feel like that would bring me bad luck (a kinehorah for those who know Yiddish). 

I will continue to call this Chemopause- it’s my word I made up and I’m comfortable with it, plus it makes people laugh when I say it and explain it. 

I am going to make a shirt that says Chemopause x 5 stay tuned for a pic soon.

So for the most part, I think Sir Elton John’s song: “I’m Still Standing” says it for me right now, especially some of the lyrics and the chorus

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life……

Stay cool in this ungodly heat, hug a friend, hug a puppy, look at the stars, eat the damn cake and chocolate, you deserve it (you only live once) and always be thankful for what you have.

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, and in memory of our friend Larry who recently passed away from cancer….. I send you my love and hugs. Be good to each other!

With love and hugs

Rebecca 

Chemopause 4 now in 3D- Grab those special glasses

Chemopause 4 now  in 3D- Grab those special glasses

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Hi there,

Today I celebrate Chemopause 4 in 3D! Why 3D?  Why not…last year it was Chemopause the Musical, this year it’s 3D since I have recently seen some 3D movies.  Or maybe it’s because I am more than one dimensional, multi dimensional Rebecca, yep that makes sense to me, maybe to you also.

As of today I have been in Chemopause for

4 years
48 months
209 weeks
1,461 days
35,078 hours
2,104,691 minutes
126,281,485 seconds

It’s been a year of ups and downs, good, bad, in between as I’m sure everyone can relate to in their own lives. I am happy to be here. I am still dealing with pain, in my bones, so bad at times that I can’t do things I want to do. Other times it’s tolerable…it annoys the hell out of me. I gave up on trying to work out in a gym, as the treadmill just caused more pain and the elliptical (my old friend) is just not doable anymore for me. There are other treatment related issues I deal with but I won’t bore you with a big list. I’m a different version of me than I used to be.

 I’ve been attending a Cancer Support Meeting once a month, it just recently started and I am thankful for my Social Worker, Ruthmary for listening to me and others about the need for a support group for us “others”, the ones with Cancer’s that don’t have a huge support system…we are a mixed group of people.  We may be what I call the “others” but we are just as important and going through just as difficult times and feelings. Something we all seem to relate to in our little group. I’ve met and become friends with some really great people. It’s great to hear each other talk about things, because only a person who has gone through or is going through this journey, will ever be able to truly understand what is being said. People mean well when they comment “ You look great” or “Now you can put this behind you” , but in reality there is no putting it behind you, it is something we live with, memories that are scary, thoughts about the future that are just as scary. But we can also laugh about things, because as warped as it may seem at times, there are still things from this journey that make us smile. For me, it would be the day a new nurse flushed my port out with saline and missed the port and filled my boob with saline. Ok, it was very painful, stung like hell and I commented that I thought my ‘girls’ were just fine and didn’t need saline implants. Incidentally, that nurse didn’t last long at the office. Or my infamous “I’m Being Deported” tee shirt that I wore the day I got my port taken out. I love that my incredible surgeon has a photo in his office of me and him, with me wearing the shirt right before he took me into the OR. Also there is a picture of me in the hospital with my bald head, wearing my Dollar Store tiara and earrings, 4 days after lung surgery, as I declared myself the Cancer Queen (yes I was on heavy meds/morphine etc)

I was honored to be honored this year at Survivors Night; I received an award for my Rebecca’s Chemo Closet. It felt really great and I love that I can help others even in a small way.  I have started a GoFundMe page, as I am trying to raise money to buy more items for Cancer patients in need.  Please visit my page, a $5 donation will help buy nutrition drinks. http://www.gofundme.com/vt5t84

 I’m also really into Healing Touch and have been going for those sessions on a continuing basis. Ok, before you think that it’s some ‘smack you on the head, you are HEALED” thing, let me explain. It’s more of a mind/body experience and extremely relaxing. The definition is “Healing Touch is a therapy that helps to restore and balance energy that has been depleted due to stress, illness, injury, grief, medical conditions, surgery or medical treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation.”

The woman who volunteers her time for Cancer patients is just one of those amazing people that really cares about what she is doing and really helps me relax. Each session is an opportunity for me to relax my non-stop brain and just kind of float for a while.  I’ve also been doing Mindfulness Meditation, another way to leave yourself behind for a bit and let your mind go elsewhere.

Anxiety is a huge part of my journey, and learning new ways to deal with it are comforting to me.

In other news (ok, now I sound like an old holiday newsletter)….We now have 4 dogs, I have my own little pack going here!! Sophie came to us in November and Shilo came home in May. Shilo was born on my Dad’s birthday, March 18^th J Sophie just turned 1 in June, Marley just turned 9 and Katie is 13 and has dementia. It’s an interesting group of furballs and I love it!

Michael has been home since May and we take him back to college next Friday…sigh…I don’t know that I am ready for that yet…LOL, um he never fully unpacked for the summer so it should be easy to repack him up. I’m going to miss him a lot….. L But he has promised to skype more often this semester.

Rachel is getting married in 18 days!! OMG, my daughter is getting married in 18 days…. I really can’t believe how quickly time has flown by!! It sounds cliché, but it feels like she was just a tiny baby not too long ago. Her wedding gown is beyond gorgeous and just seeing her in it for fittings makes me cry. I can’t wait to share pics form the wedding. I’m so grateful that I am still here to see my baby girl walk down the aisle!

For my friends who are living with Cancer, caring for someone with Cancer or have lost a loved one to Cancer, I send you my love and hugs.

Although I may not always feel this way every day, I think this song says it for me this year:

(What a) Wonderful World

Song by Louis Armstrong

I see trees of green, red roses, too,
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white,
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people going by.
I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"
They're really sayin', "I love you."

I hear babies cryin'. I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world

J So go out and enjoy this wonderful world, look at the clouds, stare at the stars, find your rainbow and always be grateful for every day that you have.

With love and hugs

Rebecca

We get by with a little help from our friends….

We get by with a little help from our friends….

Joe Cocker died today at the age of 70, having succumbed to Small Cell Lung Cancer. His rendition of “With a Little Help from my Friends” at Woodstock in 1969, is my all-time favorite. The passion he had while singing always amazed me, his moves always made me smile. The loss of his voice and talent is tremendous. The loss of his life to Cancer is horrible. The loss of his life to LUNG CANCER hits home with me, as I too have Lung Cancer. Mine is Non-Small Cell Adenocarcinoma Stage 3A.

What makes me even sadder is that Joe Cocker’s death seems to have become a way for people to publicly blame the patient for the disease, based on comments I am reading.  This just makes me so sad. Over the past 3 years, I have learned that this is nothing new in the Cancer world…..this is nothing new in the regular world….I have yet to attend a Cancer Patient meeting/event where I have not heard this from other patients. I have yet to hear another patient or person blame a different type of Cancer patient for their disease. Nobody blames a Breast Cancer patient, nobody blames a Stomach Cancer patient etc. I am not trying to sound mean; I am just sad, angry and fed up. Nobody provides support; there are “no paint the town a color” months for us.  Yet people feel inclined to point out to Lung Cancer patients that ‘I bet you smoked’….the sad thing is in the past 2 years, I have held the hands of 2 dying friends, one who had Small Cell Lung Cancer and never smoked and one who had Small Cell Lung Cancer and did smoke, yet also worked as a mechanic and was exposed to numerous carcinogens.  We talked about the misconceptions, the blame game, the overall sadness and despair felt by Lung Cancer patients, the lack of support, the need to become each other’s support, the moments when one or more of us felt like ending it before it ended us. I sit here typing this, as the sole survivor of these conversations…. I am in Remission/Chemopause, I need to hit 5 years to see if I survive.

Here are some facts from the American Lung Cancer Association:

http://www.lung.org/lung-disease/lung-cancer/resources/facts-figures/lung-cancer-fact-sheet.html

·        Lung cancer is the leading cancer killer in both men and women in the United States. In 1987, it surpassed breast cancer to become the leading cause of cancer deaths in women.

·        The lung cancer five-year survival rate (17.8%) is lower than many other leading cancer sites, such as the colon (65.4%), breast (90.5%) and prostate (99.6%).

·        The five-year survival rate for lung cancer is 54.0 percent for cases detected when the disease is still localized (within the lungs). However, only 15 percent of lung cancer cases are diagnosed at an early stage. For distant tumors (spread to other organs) the five-year survival rate is only 4.0 percent.

·        Over half of people with lung cancer die within one year of being diagnosed.

Surprisingly, Pot Smokers are not getting Lung Cancer at the same rate as others.

 “Like tobacco smoke, marijuana smoke contains cancer-causing chemicals.  There are 33 cancer-causing chemicals contained in marijuana. Marijuana smoke also deposits tar into the lungs.” (American Lung Cancer Association)    

Let’s ponder that for a moment….ok, pondered it, guess Inappropriate Happiness isn't all bad.

Sigh…..ok I have said what I feel needed to be said, I speak from the heart, always have….. I hope people listen….

Today, December 22, 2014, Joe Cocker, a musical legend has been lost, his voiced silenced.  My sympathies to his family and millions of fans.  May he rest in Peace…..

Love Lifts Us Up

Who knows what tomorrow brings
In a world, few hearts survive
All I know is the way I feel
When it's real, I keep it alive

The road is long, there are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day

Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know, up where the clear winds blow

Some hang on to "used to be"
Live their lives, looking behind
All we have is here and now
All our life, out there to find

The road is long, there are mountains in our way,
But we climb them a step every day…….

Love

Rebecca