Hi All,
My profile photo for this blog came up in my
Facebook memories today. Today January 31, 2018, is 7 years since this photo
was taken of my little bald head in a snow storm.
It’s pretty significant that it showed up in my feed
this morning, as I spent the past week being extremely stressed out after
scheduling a long overdue Pet Scan. I had my Pet Scan done this morning. When I tell you that I was stressed out, I
really mean it. I have not slept or eaten and I will do both of those things
tonight! I didn’t tell my children that I was having a Pet Scan done, I didn’t
tell my family either. The stress of not knowing something is overwhelming, the
reality based stress of not knowing if you have to tell your children bad news
is indescribable! I still see myself telling them that I was diagnosed with Cancer;
it’s still so fresh and clear, as though I was watching myself in a movie. It
makes me cry when I see this memory in my mind.
MY
PET SCAN WAS GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got the call this afternoon from my Oncologist,
she said the Pet Scan is good! I will be able to access the report in a day or
so, as I like to read what is documented and I see my surgeon next week for a checkup.
I still have questions as to why my tumor marker keeps going up and down, but
once I heard the word “good” I
started crying and forgot to ask.
The thing with being a Cancer patient and going for
testing and then waiting for results is this is something that you just can’t “Think
Positive?” or “Don’t assume the worst” or any other cliché saying like that.
Every test is a determining factor as to whether you may live or die, go
through treatment again, or opt not to do that again, there’s a great deal to
think about, a great deal to worry about.. It’s horrible. This past year has been full of such sad
losses in my little Cancer world, losing 4 friends in roughly 4 months. It made
it that much harder to make myself schedule any testing, there’s that part of
me that needs answers and the part of me that says “I don’t want to know
anything anymore”. It’s a hell of a catch 22. But I promised my buddy Al that I
would get it done and I ran out of reasons for not going.
My dogs think their humans are crazy, lol the looks
on their faces as my husband waved each dog over me this morning, was
hysterical!! A total WTF moment for them, especially the younger ones. As you
know I have Walter wave a stuffed cat over me for Cat Scans, and for Pet Scans,
we wave dogs over me! Yes, I know it sounds silly, but hey it works for me and
makes me laugh when I am stressed before going to the hospital.
I have a particular song that I listen to before any
test; I only listen to it for that. A friend ‘gave’ me this song when I was
first diagnosed, I know all the lyrics, I play it from the time I leave my
house until the time my testing starts. It calms me down and gives me great
visuals to see when I have my eyes shut during scans. “Moonlight Mile”- Rolling
Stones, it’s really beautiful!
If you really know me, then you know I am a person
who speaks in song lyrics. Be that as it may, I am not sure what song fits
today for me? A few that came to mind are:
I’m Still Standing – Elton John
Seasons of Love - Rent
The Sound of Silence - Disturbed
Demons – Imagine Dragons
There are lyrics in each song that represent today
for me. It’s a mixed bag…
In a few months I will worry again about the next
test that heads my way. It’s a vicious cycle.
But today I will celebrate a good Pet Scan. J
Sending love and hugs out to all of you!
Rebecca
