Chemopause 7 : The 7th Season “Embracing Imperfection”

Chemopause 7 : The 7^th Season “Embracing Imperfection”

Chem-o-pause (noun/adjective)

 Source of word: Made up by Rebecca Mayer

Definition: 1. The pause in chemo that happens when you are in Remission

Pause-temporary inaction especially as caused by uncertainty

Today I celebrate 7 years in Chemopause! I have decided to call it:

Embracing Imperfection

As of today, I have been in Chemopause for:

                                                                                                                                61,368 Hours

                                                                                                                                  2,557 Days

                                                                                                                                     365 Weeks

                                                                                                                                       83 Months

                                                                                                                                         7 Years

I think you get the idea, yep Chemopause – The 7^th Season. I mark my start of what others call “Remission” (the word remission isn’t all  it’s cracked up to be) aka, Chemopause, as the last day I had Chemo.

So far so good, I am beating the 65% chance of survival that I was given after Chemo/Radiation/Surgery/More Chemo in 2011. ((knock wood))

Today in my Facebook Memories, it came up with 2 postings, done 1 year apart.

1.     The first one was on August 10, 2010 and it read: “ Killed my arms boxing today! OUCH!”   

2.      The second one was from August 10, 2011 and it read :  “Wednesday…Chemo…it’s what I do…”  

Life can change drastically in 1 years time. Think about that for a moment.

Each day, month, year brings with it joy and also the justifiable concern that my Cancer will recur. Unless a person has unfortunately walked in a Cancer patients

shoes, they will not understand that statement to its fullest degree.

I have these white icicle lights that hang in my front window and are lit at all times. Yes my friends, I know Christmas is over and that it’s 95 degrees with 90% humidity (for God sake, my straight hair is curling like the old days LOL) But I keep this strand of lights shining as a remembrance of my friends that are no longer with me. I’ve lost so many good people in the past year.  So remember if you see something “out of season” or different on someone’s house, there is most likely a deep personal meaning behind it. Don’t judge, just try to understand, not a simple thing for some to do in this incredibly messed up world we are living in right now.

I’ve started seeing a Rheumatologist, at the urging of my daughter, for the CIPN (Chemo Induced Peripheral Neuropathy) and bone and muscle pain. I live in varying degrees of pain on a daily basis, when it’s really bad, it knocks me down for a day or so. I have also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and PTSD, Chronic Fatigue, among other post treatment issues. My body is not what it used to be, I’m no longer that girl who spent her lunch hour in the gym, kicking ass on the elliptical and beating on the speed bag until it would pop the cotter pin and go flying off its mooring. (LOL, the gym manager hated when I did that)

I’ve also started Physical Therapy twice a week to try and get some strength back in my arms and to work the muscles that have become frozen due to limited movement, they are also using Myofascial Release Therapy to try and relieve connective tissue/muscle restrictions. It’s helping a little bit so far with movement.

I’ve started painting again, love my new oils and love the smell of a wet oil painting (other artists know what I mean LOL). It’s a good release for me, but since my hands go numb constantly, I have decided to concentrate more on abstract painting. I’m also working on abstract small stained glass sun catchers and fusing glass pendants. Also I usually don’t go anywhere without my camera. I do these things when my hands are working well and stop when my hands go numb. There are days when I can’t do any of these things that I love and those days make me sad and angry.

 I am trying to judge myself less, hence “Embracing Imperfection”  ( a phrase I came up with a few days ago).

We are empty nesters, so weird how time flies and our kids are suddenly gone!

“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go”

My pack of pups keeps me company though and they keep me busy. Unconditional love and kisses….and fur on my leggings haha!

I went back and forth over which song represented how I feel on this Chemopause Day, as you all know I speak in lyrics. I decided on this song as it represents different feelings I am having about some things.  

“Time of your Life”  (yes, I know the real title is Good Riddance- but I like this line and I’m not saying goodbye”

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs, and still-frames in your mind
Hang them on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoo's of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

Are you singing the song now?

On a serious note: My dear friend Al has been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks, his Cancer has metastasized and he is very sick. Please say a prayer, or send a good thought his way. He’s an amazing man and I’d really appreciate the good thoughts for him and his wife and son.

I hope you are all keeping cool, this weather is insane. Do something nice for someone, just for the hell of it, it feels pretty good when you do that. Also remember as I have said before, eat the cake, enjoy a tub of icing, have a chocolate bar, sing at the top of your lungs, dance in the rain, hug someone, life is too short to waste time on not enjoying yourself.

Have a great day and stay cool!

With Love and hugs

Rebecca

When your pets think you’re crazy! aka: I had a Pet Scan today

Hi All,

My profile photo for this blog came up in my Facebook memories today. Today January 31, 2018, is 7 years since this photo was taken of my little bald head in a snow storm.

It’s pretty significant that it showed up in my feed this morning, as I spent the past week being extremely stressed out after scheduling a long overdue Pet Scan. I had my Pet Scan done this morning.  When I tell you that I was stressed out, I really mean it. I have not slept or eaten and I will do both of those things tonight! I didn’t tell my children that I was having a Pet Scan done, I didn’t tell my family either. The stress of not knowing something is overwhelming, the reality based stress of not knowing if you have to tell your children bad news is indescribable! I still see myself telling them that I was diagnosed with Cancer; it’s still so fresh and clear, as though I was watching myself in a movie. It makes me cry when I see this memory in my mind.

MY PET SCAN WAS GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got the call this afternoon from my Oncologist, she said the Pet Scan is good! I will be able to access the report in a day or so, as I like to read what is documented and I see my surgeon next week for a checkup. I still have questions as to why my tumor marker keeps going up and down, but once I heard the word “good” I started crying and forgot to ask.

The thing with being a Cancer patient and going for testing and then waiting for results is this is something that you just can’t “Think Positive?” or “Don’t assume the worst” or any other cliché saying like that. Every test is a determining factor as to whether you may live or die, go through treatment again, or opt not to do that again, there’s a great deal to think about, a great deal to worry about.. It’s horrible.  This past year has been full of such sad losses in my little Cancer world, losing 4 friends in roughly 4 months. It made it that much harder to make myself schedule any testing, there’s that part of me that needs answers and the part of me that says “I don’t want to know anything anymore”. It’s a hell of a catch 22. But I promised my buddy Al that I would get it done and I ran out of reasons for not going.

My dogs think their humans are crazy, lol the looks on their faces as my husband waved each dog over me this morning, was hysterical!! A total WTF moment for them, especially the younger ones. As you know I have Walter wave a stuffed cat over me for Cat Scans, and for Pet Scans, we wave dogs over me! Yes, I know it sounds silly, but hey it works for me and makes me laugh when I am stressed before going to the hospital.

I have a particular song that I listen to before any test; I only listen to it for that. A friend ‘gave’ me this song when I was first diagnosed, I know all the lyrics, I play it from the time I leave my house until the time my testing starts. It calms me down and gives me great visuals to see when I have my eyes shut during scans. “Moonlight Mile”- Rolling Stones, it’s really beautiful!

If you really know me, then you know I am a person who speaks in song lyrics. Be that as it may, I am not sure what song fits today for me? A few that came to mind are:

I’m Still Standing – Elton John

Seasons of Love - Rent

The Sound of Silence - Disturbed

Demons – Imagine Dragons

There are lyrics in each song that represent today for me. It’s a mixed bag…

In a few months I will worry again about the next test that heads my way. It’s a vicious cycle.

But today I will celebrate a good Pet Scan. J

Sending love and hugs out to all of you!

Rebecca