Milestones and Chemopause
365 Days
Today is
August 10, 2012. It has been 365 days since my last dose of Chemo, so I say I still
remain in Chemopause! I sit on my
porch this summer, sweating my ass off, my new baby fine HAIR sticking to my the
base of my neck and think how last summer, I sat out there in the same kind of
heat, trying to warm up, wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks, wrapped in
blankets, so cold from chemo, watching everyone else sweat. What a difference
365 days makes! I am stronger than I was this time last year, but not nearly as
strong as I used to be…( I used to feel like Wonder Woman-but maybe that was
all the coffee I used to drink). I am still in Remission (knock wood). I will
have another Pet Scan in 2 months…..
I used to read those emails that
said “stop and smell the roses etc” and think, “yeah ok, when I have time”. Believe
me, having cancer forces you to stop and look at life, like you never have
before and in a way that nobody else understands. (Unless you are also living
through this hell and if you are, I send love your way). . I am eternally
grateful to a strong, courageous, wonderful woman who also had cancer, she told
me after I was diagnosed, that this is “the new normal”. She understood and
encouraged me and I am forever grateful for her! Sadly she lost her fight last
month. <3
I have been looking back, not in a bad way as
in like living in the past, but more in a reflective way- kind of a WTF and WOW
mix. But believe me, there are parts that haunt me at night, hell it haunts me
during the day too at times….but there are parts that make me smile and I’m
thankful for all the people that helped me smile when I didn’t feel like it last summer. Cards, emails, letters from
friends mean so much. You feel so alone at times, but You ALL make it so much
easier to feel less alone
The testing is never ending, I pass
one test, only to have to have another test done, I really am starting to hate
doctors, but love them at the same time (am I conflicted or what). I’d like to
get my chest port out, but the docs are saying “no, you might need it again”, I
threaten to cut it out myself and they look at me like I have lost my mind.
LOL, don’t worry, I’m not that crazy
to do it myself. J
(besides Walter and the kids have hidden the xacto blades) :P
The side effects of Chemo and
Radiation are not discussed often enough with patients. Doctors really need to
work on that. My Chemo brain is better than it was in the past. My neuropathy
and nerve damage isn’t and it doesn’t go away, I have a pain management doctor
now, who is working on helping me. I’ve already done intercostal injections
into my ribs, helps for a few days, but not a cure for the damage caused by
radiation and chemo. Trying different meds out, but my hands & legs are
still numb.
So I have
been writing updates and then never putting them on my blog. Don’t really know why;
guess it’s just one of those things. I have been writing in notebooks, scraps
of paper and anywhere else I could find since I was diagnosed with cancer. Some
of those thoughts and feelings were and still are so personal that I have never
shared them, even with my family. So they will stay where they are, until
someday.
On a
brighter note, my grapes have taken off this year and I figured out how to make
jelly!! Woohoo!!! Kind of cool that it worked, but my family is wound the hell
up on all the sugar in it. Thinking about trying to make wine next….look out! J
Have to share a quote from Where the Wild Things Are: “Inside
all of us is Hope, Inside all of us is Fear, Inside all of us is Adventure, Inside
all of us is A WILD THING”
….. So what are you waiting for??? Go have an
adventure, go be a wild thing! J
xo
Rebecca
