I guess I need to be more specific in things I wish for…..It’s only July 11th and this month is not going as smooth as I planned. My new chemo is wreaking havoc on my body and my body is fighting back, but losing. I wound up in the hospital on July 1st, with 102 fever and some sort of infection. So proud of my 15 year old son Michael for being so grown up, we had to call the ambulance to take me, and it was just the two of us home. The neat thing was that my older brother was driving the ambulance that night, and he is a hell of a driver! Michael acted beyond his years while dealing with the docs and nurses in the ER and placing calls to family members. He amazed me!
Spent July 2nd and 3rd on the Oncology Floor at Bryn Mawr Hospital, fever of unknown origin…got out of there Sunday night, with the promise to return if fever came back. All my blood work counts were whacked out, white blood cells, hemoglobin, red blood cells, platelets. What a mess!
So this is where my heading comes from….instead of new kitchen plates, I wound up needing a platelet transfusion again. I had my first one- 2 bags of donor platelets on June 9th. I had my 2nd one on July 6th. Hence, the word Plates! I went to my oncologist on the 6th for follow up blood work and my platelets dove from 25 (in the hospital) to 11 (normal range is 140-440). Medical term = Thrombocytopenia. I am also Anemic. When your platelets are too low, you can get petechiae hemorrhages on your legs (like the marks left by hickeys-but spotted), nosebleeds, bruising, bleeding that won’t stop….go figure I got all of that! Not fun! They only ordered 1 bag this time around and I had to go back for blood work on Friday to see if I needed a second bag. I didn’t need a 2nd bag of plates. My platelets went up to 71 with the one bag. Now, we wait to see if they have gone higher. I go to see the oncologist on Wednesday, for consult and chemo.
I’m tired and really want to feel like myself again…I totally miss having energy. The tired you get with cancer/chemo is so incredibly different than regular long day at work, run around, make dinner etc tired. It’s a tired that no amount of coffee will help, it’s a tired that makes it hard to get up off a couch to get a drink of water, it’s the worst tired you can imagine. It’s a tired, that if the world ended, you’d still find me laying on the couch. While your body is so tired, your brain wants to do things. If only the 2 would cooperate!
I never really let myself go through all the emotions after I was diagnosed with cancer. I mean I was extremely upset, sad, worried, scared…but I have finally hit on the one emotion I have kept bottled up…I am ANGRY!!! I want to throw things, (plates-LOL), I want to go somewhere like the Grand Canyon and scream until I have no voice left. I want to punch and hit things. I want my life back! But I can’t throw things or hit things; I can barely lift a gallon of milk, my muscles don’t seem to be working right. I can’t travel right now, and I don’t have the energy to scream. I’m royally pissed off! I finally asked WHY ME last night. { there is no answer for that question...for any cancer patient}
You know how people will ask “so how are you doing?” and you automatically respond “I’m good, how are you?” I have a new response now a days, I just say “I’m feeling kind of cancery”…for me that covers all the range of emotions, all the physical changes and the things that go on in your mind when you have cancer. It really does suck!
I try so hard to stay positive, while feeling cancery….so here goes, I don’t want to end this entry on a negative note…..
So on a positive note: My beautiful stargazer lily plant bloomed and it smells so amazing! I got a great picture of a katydid on it today! I have baby hummingbirds flying around my yard, and I hope to get lucky and get a picture of them!
xo
Bec
